Holstein & Taylor - Invest in Your Relationship

1. What kinds of couples attend your workshops?
All kinds! The average couple is in their late 40's or early 50's, but we've had couples as young as their 20's and as old as their 70's. Some have been married over 40 years to their high school sweetheart and some, after divorces, have been with their new partner less than a year. Occupations range all over the map, with lots of entrepreneurs, executives, and professionals of both genders, as well as many stay-at-home moms. What they all have in common is a commitment to one another and a desire to make their relationship the best it can be.

2. Why do most people come to a workshop like this?
The most common reason is "We've somehow lost the spark we used to feel with one another and want it back." The stress and demands of day-to-day life with family and careers causes distance, and couples often get into a rut emotionally and sexually. The way back to that in-love feeling can be difficult to find, and couples want trustworthy expert help with reconnecting. Many know that their relationship is fundamentally great, it’s just that their sexual connection is lacking in depth and energy. Others have had significant challenges to the relationship (affairs, illnesses or other medical issues, family or financial setbacks) that have affected intimacy. Still others are having significant power struggles and resentment around the sexual part of their life. But all are committed to staying together – we discourage couples on the verge of divorce from attending the workshop as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage. We recommend you consult Relational Life Institute and their network of counseling professionals.

3. We're not really having any problems with our sex life, but we're curious about what we might be missing out on. Is the couples program for us?
Absolutely! Couples who are not having significant issues in their sexual relationship often get the most out of our program. The truth is that we could all learn to love our mate deeper and better, and that there really is no limit to the amount of positive energy we can generate in our relationship. Our sexuality is the most important tool we have for doing this, and the skills needed for deepening this connection are just what we teach.

4. We've been seeing a counselor for a while about our marital problems. Would your workshop complement that, or could it detract in some way?
Prior and ongoing counseling is good. Couples learn a great deal in counseling about how to communicate more openly and effectively, and this puts them in a better position to take full advantage of the homework assignments in our workshop. Also, because this workshop is body-centered and practical, attending our retreat generates a lot of positive energy and loving feeling that can help couples move forward more effectively in counseling.

5. What if we've got physical or medical problems like infertility, menopause, hormone or medication issues, pelvic surgery, trouble reaching orgasm, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or physical disability?
Being fully trained family physicians with special expertise in sexual function and dysfunction, we know a lot about these issues and address them in our presentations to the group. Individual medical consultation is not part of the workshop but you may get ideas during the course that you want to take back and discuss with your provider. It is our experience that virtually everyone with these issues has also experienced a significant disturbance in their intimate relationship because of them, and can benefit tremendously from what the workshop has to offer. Often our couples with biologic issues find out they're not nearly the barriers they thought they were, once they get out of their rut and back on track with the energy of their loving connection.

6. Being in a group and talking about sex sounds uncomfortable. Do we have to talk about private things if we attend?
Several of the group sessions involve sharing of experiences among the group members. No one is required, though everyone is invited, to share about what they are learning in the workshop. It turns out that this is actually one of the most valuable parts of the process for the participants, and nearly everyone gets comfortable with it quite quickly. We make a practice of always contacting couples by telephone a week or two before each workshop and finding out more about why they are coming, so we can reassure them that the workshop is a good fit for them, but we keep these conversations confidential with regard to the rest of the group. The emphasis in the workshop itself is not on airing old issues, but rather on what is going on presently in the process of engaging the course's assignments, and it is generally quite positive, even inspiring. At the end of our courses, couples invariably report that one of the best aspects of the workshop was being in a group with others working to improve their intimate lives.

7. We live in the city the workshop is being held in, and would prefer to stay at home and commute to it. Would that be OK?
An integral part of our workshop is its design as an intensive retreat experience. The distractions of work and the constant little demands of the familiar home environment will inevitably dilute the intensity of focus that is essential for you to make the changes in intimate behavior that you need and want. So please do not consider trying to save a few dollars by staying at home. You will jeopardize your entire investment in the workshop.

8. I can't afford the couples retreat. Are there other options for improving our sexual relationship that aren't so expensive?
First, we'd like to point out that participation in our intensive program can be looked at as an excellent investment in your relationship. Many couples have told us, after completing the program, that it is worth much more, and that they wish they had done it much sooner in their marriage. But we are aware that not everyone can afford to come to an intensive retreat. This is why we wrote Your Long Erotic Weekend, and produced the recording of its physical and energy exercises on the companion CD. To make the experience a close as possible to attending the workshop, you should do the book seriously as an intensive retreat: set aside block of time without daily routines and distractions, and follow the book's recommendations and pacing closely.

9. Do you have a private practice of sex therapy so that I could make an appointment to see you?
At present, we are only teaching the intensive workshops. Sometimes we consult privately during workshops with couples who are having exceptional difficulty engaging the workshop material and exercises, but such consultations are not arranged ahead of time, as it is not possible to know who will have this kind of difficulty.

10. How can I get some professional help with the sexual/relationship problem I'm having right now?
Unfortunately, we are unable to respond to requests for advice about individual problems and issues. Conventional sex therapists practice in most cities. You can check the listings at the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists at www.aasect.org for a practitioner with AASECT certification who practices near you.

11. Do you offer any programs for same-sex couples?
Because of the structure of the workshop, we unfortunately cannot accommodate same-sex couples. Though we believe that the same principles apply to homosexual couples, and recognize that without question many such couples have a need for this kind of help with intimacy and sexuality, we currently have no workshop especially for gay or lesbian couples. Our book, Your Long Erotic Weekend, with its accompanying CD, would be a great option.
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